Pillar 3 INQUIRE: Duncansby Head Lighthouse: Why Am I Living a Life That Does Not Belong to Me?
- Matt Love
- Oct 23
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 30
From The Moonlight Master Path, The Moonshot Mastery Academy
Standing at Duncansby Head, I finally asked the question that changed everything:“Why am I living a life that doesn’t belong to me?”
The Turning Point at Duncansby Head
The weather that day couldn’t make up its mind. Wind one moment, piercing rain the next, and then sudden bursts of sunlight breaking through the clouds. It was as if the sky itself was in conflict, reflecting the battle I had been living inside.
I filmed behind the car boot, using it as makeshift shelter from the wind, symbolic, as I had spent years seeking shelter inside a life that did not fit me.
Looking out towards the Duncansby Stacks, those ancient stone sentinels rising out of the sea. I saw clearly that I had been drifting. Not choosing. Not questioning. Just coping. I had been pouring my time, energy, and love into the wrong people, the wrong environments, and the wrong story.
INQUIRE began the moment I stopped numbing and started asking better questions.
The Master Question: “Why am I living a life that doesn’t belong to me?”
Once I faced that question honestly, others followed:
Why was I giving time to draining people?
Why did I stay in a job that suffocated my potential?
Why did I chase validation instead of meaning?
Why was I afraid to choose a life I actually wanted?
For the first time, I realised I wasn’t lacking answers. I had been avoiding the questions.
Milo, Shadow Milo, and the Inner Conversation
Out there on that cliff, Milo (my inner child) and Shadow Milo (the parts I had rejected) both had a voice.
Milo asked with innocence: “What do you really want?”
Shadow Milo challenged with honesty: “Why are you pretending you don’t already know?”
That was the truth. Deep down, I did know. I just didn’t want to disappoint others, unsettle my foundation, or lose approval.
Gabor Maté would say I was sacrificing authenticity for attachment. Dabrowski would call it the beginning of positive disintegration. Jung would say the shadow was pushing for integration, forcing me into individuation.
And in that moment, I understood: Inquiry is not self criticism, it is self connection.
Inquire At Duncansby Head Lighthouse. The Science of Inquiry
Curiosity is not just philosophical, it is biological.
When we shut down questions, the nervous system stays in defence mode.
When we become curious, the prefrontal cortex re engages. The part of the brain responsible for perspective, meaning, morality, and choice.
Curiosity moves us from survival into possibility.
Polyvagal theory shows that inquiry can only happen in safety, and safety can be created through rhythm, breath, and connection. Once our body is regulated, the mind can ask honest questions without spiralling into shame.
Inquiry is clarity. Inquiry is regulation. Inquiry is freedom.
Families: Teaching Inquiry Without Shame
Children learn how to question by watching us.
Most families (through no fault of their own) shut questions down because they fear conflict or don’t know how to handle emotion. But when inquiry is welcomed, families grow closer, not further apart.
Using Perry’s 6 R’s: Relational, Relevant, Repetitive, Rewarding, Rhythmic, Respectful, families can create safe spaces for questions like:
“Why am I feeling this?”
“What do I need right now?”
“How can we fix this together?”
When inquiry replaces blame, homes become places of truth and trust, not tension and silence.
Children & Young People: Helping Them Find Their Voice
Teenagers are wired for inquiry. Their brain is literally building identity through questioning, but if no one guides them, that inquiry can become insecurity, rebellion, or self-doubt.
INQUIRE teaches young people:
that questions are not signs of weakness, but signs of awakening
that emotions are messages, not malfunctions
that their voice has value, even before it is fully formed
Milo embodies this truth, curiosity is strength. When young people learn to ask why, they stop sleepwalking through life and start authoring it.
Lost Adults & Relationships: Breaking Loops Through Truth
Adults often avoid inquiry because we fear the cost of honesty.
But here is the hard truth: You cannot heal a life you refuse to question.
As Jung put it, “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” Inquiry is that first step, the doorway to integrity, to boundaries, to meaningful love, to a life that fits.
For relationships, INQUIRE is the moment two people stop arguing about what happened and start exploring why it keeps happening.
Inquiry does not end relationships. It ends illusions.
The Lighthouse Lesson
Inquire At Duncansby Head Lighthouse taught me that clarity lives on the far side of courage. Not the courage to fight, the courage to ask.
Once we ask the right questions, the path ahead reveals itself.
Cape Wrath was the storm. Tarbat Ness was the stillness. Duncansby Head is the moment the eyes open.
From here, we move into AWAKEN, and life begins to expand.
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